Archive for September 2006

Ramblings of an old man on heavy drugs

September 20, 2006

Fifty years ago I decided to throw caution to the wind and buy a fancy gadget that had just hit the market. An Electric Razor! Having the world’s toughest beard, maybe this was just the thing I needed. It even had a “Micro-thin” blade. After rubbing my throat and face raw trying to get it to “Micro-shave” me, I gave up. What the heck. It was new technology. Give ’em time to work the bugs out.

Recently I decided to give electric razors another try. I’m a patient man. It seemed reasonable to give them fifty years to make an electric shaver shave. But this time I went for the big Kahuna – I got the one with the three rotating floating heads – you could even clean it by running it under the faucet. I regret to report that electric razors are still a cruel joke on mankind. They are not worth a shit. Ladies, don’t give one to your guy as a gift! He’ll use it as a courtesy, until his face is rubbed raw, then shove it out of sight under the sink and go back to lather and a blade. It’s hard to go wrong with lather and a blade for a good clean shave.

Does anything make you feel more stupid than when you look down and find that you have had the turn signal blinking away for the last fifteen miles?

Is it just me, or has France reaced the point where they just can’t do anything more emabarrassing? I wonder how it feels to be the laughing stock or the rest of the world?

Would God please grace us by allowing us to never have to hear the name, Kofi Annan again? What a blithering idiot. Somebody please give him a spear and send him out to get a real job. Better yet, give him an electric razor
Is there anyone sane left in Washington? We’ve wasted twenty-five years on NASA’s worthless Shuttle program (notice they are still using the same dangerous “tile” method to keep the damned shuttle from burning up when they reenter the atmosphere – if the tiles were falling off 25 years ago and they still are, wouldn’t you think someone would say, “Hey, about this tile thing…..” Of course the “experiments” the astronauts proformed could well have been done by remote control (will tomato seeds germinate in space? Will rats mate in weightlessness? -“Hang on Sloopy, Hang on!”) Who gives a shit! But to hear NASA rave on about how mankind has benefited by having “live” people up there you’d think they had acturally accomplished something useful. Trust me on this one – they haven’t.

And now we’re going back to the moon! Why, for God’s sake? Nothng’s changed. The moon is still there. Moon rocks are still moon rocks. I would quote you the billions (that’s with a “B”) of dollars each of those joy rides in space cost us, but you’d only vomit.

Am I the only one who thinks that giving trillions of dollars to other countries who wouldn’t give us the time of day, while our national debt keeps climbing, is a stupid, senseless idea? Pretty soon we’ll have a national debt so high, we won’t need a shuttle to get to the moon.

Why haven’t we built the wall between Mexico and the U.S.? What is more important – getting that walll built, or going to the moon….again?

Is there anyone but me who thinks that it might be slightly ostentations, just a teensy-tiny bit egocentric, or just plain tacky for Oprah to have her mug on the cover of her magazine EVERY month! My God, woman – we KNOW what you look like!

Have you ever seen such a worthless congress as we have now? I haven’t. Listen to me, Congress, as I speak for most of the American people. We don’t give a rat’s ass whether it’s Republicans or Democrats who get credit, but for the love of God DO SOMETHING about out problems here at home.

I’m tired – let’s all take a nap.

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